


so, baby, pull me closer

by xlightless



Series: the fear of falling apart [2]
Category: B.A.P
Genre: M/M, Past Relationship(s), tfw you hook up with an ex - freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-16
Updated: 2016-09-16
Packaged: 2018-08-15 07:22:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8047525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xlightless/pseuds/xlightless
Summary: They cling to the memories festering and distorting in their minds, gripping each one tight, blinded by the blinking aftereffects of a stale love’s dying light. A love they’re desperately trying to revive.





	so, baby, pull me closer

Daehyun walked into the airport, his canvas knapsack heavy on his shoulders. He took a deep breath that shook deep in his chest. He left a note on Himchan’s kitchen table and a sad kiss on his forehead that morning.

It took a lot for him to walk out the door.

Being with Himchan for so long made Daehyun think how much he needed Youngjae. How much he needed to be back in South Korea.

It wasn’t that Daehyun didn’t enjoy the time he spent with Himchan. It was just…maybe this wasn’t the right time for them. Maybe they weren't right for each other. At least not yet.

Daehyun wondered if they’d meet again in another life. He wondered if things would work out better for them.

In a way, maybe Daehyun _did_ find himself.

//

Summer holds a special place in Daehyun’s heart. The searing heat. The cool breeze from the ocean. The freedom underneath the twinkling stars. When he returned to South Korea, he had time to himself for a while. He doesn’t have Youngjae or Himchan by his side anymore. He figures out a little bit of himself. He figures out what it’s like to truly be alone, and he doesn’t mind it as much as he thought he would.

Two years after, he opens a gallery in Seoul for his photography. He has a small section dedicated to Himchan. He won’t admit it took him a while to decide to keep every photograph. Compositionally, they’re pretty good. The entire time he’s in the gallery, though, he avoids that section of the exhibit. He’d rather not look at a blown up photograph of Himchan’s face, Himchan’s back, Himchan’s hands, Himchan’s…

Daehyun walks around the exhibit, greeting visitors with a smile because he has to keep busy before his thoughts catch up to him. He makes small talk with the ones who ask questions about his work.

“This is an exquisite piece. It’s so peaceful. Where did you take it?” an old woman asks with a fond smile.

“Thank you. I was in London at the time,” Daehyun replies, staring fondly at the photo. Worn buildings with weathered and peeling paint line the bottom and the sun peeks just above the horizon, tinting the clouds a cotton candy pink.

The woman walks to another section, but Daehyun lingers by the piece. He remembers taking it from Himchan’s balcony in London with sleep still stinging his eyes. For a brief moment, he closes his eyes and takes himself back to London, back to cloudy skies and crisp, dewy mornings, back into Himchan’s arms.

//

Daehyun pressed the shutter, the click of the camera deafening in the early morning. He put the camera on the tiny table beside him and leaned his arms against the railing. The sun peeked above the horizon. Daehyun closed his eyes as the warmth seeped into his chilled skin.

“You’ll catch a cold.”

Arms wrapped around Daehyun, enveloping him with warmth. He felt Himchan’s soft blanket drape over his shoulders. When he turned around, he saw Himchan’s sleepy smile. Daehyun turned his body in Himchan’s arms, bringing his own up to rest around Himchan’s waist.

“Your breath stinks,” Daehyun whispers with a snicker.

“Yours isn’t much better,” Himchan replies.

//

“ _Home for Now._ London, May 2015.”

Daehyun knows that voice. His eyes fly open.

Himchan stands in front of the photograph, bent slightly at the waist to read the small placard beside it. His hair glows a warm silver underneath the bright lights.

“I thought I recognized this,” Himchan says, turning around with a small smile on his face. 

Daehyun stops breathing because he hasn’t seen that smile in so long. The sharpness in Himchan’s features is gone, replaced by something softer and fuller. If anything, he’s become even more beautiful. For once, Daehyun can’t find his voice.

Himchan faces Daehyun fully, polite smile on his face.

And Daehyun finds himself back in London, lost in the city, lost in his own life, running from the inevitability of growing up.

“Himchan,” Daehyun whispers.

“You went blond,” Himchan comments offhandedly. He laces his hands in front of him, almost like he’s trying to stop himself from running his fingers through Daehyun’s hair. “It looks good.”

Daehyun gulps because he almost leans into the warmth radiating off of Himchan.

“You know, I had a lot of time to think while you were gone,” Himchan whispers. 

Daehyun doesn’t know what to expect. He doesn’t know why Himchan is here. He doesn’t know what Himchan has to say.

“I never got to say goodbye to you,” Himchan says. 

//

_Himchan,_

_I’m sorry I’m writing you a shitty note instead of actually facing you. I’m not the best at talking and I know I’d just make things worse between us. I’m sorry I didn’t do this sooner before we completely fell apart. I’m sorry I held on for so long even after it was obvious that what we had was already slipping from our fingers. I’m sorry for not loving you enough. I’m sorry for loving someone else when I was with you._

_I know that I’m being stupidly selfish even in the end, but I’m not writing this to ask you for your pity or your sympathy or, well, whatever else you wanna call it. I want to make sure I leave you on relatively good terms. I know what I did wasn’t the best or completely right._

_But don’t even think for a second that we wasted our time with each other because every moment I spent with you was worth it. If I could, I’d relive all of them. Not to change anything. Just…to be that happy again. Before I met you, I didn’t know what I was doing with my life. You helped me realize a potential in myself that I didn’t see before. You filled my life with so much color that I didn’t know how to handle it, but you actually saved me more than you can imagine. You deserve someone who does what you did for me._

_That’s why I’m sorry, but thank you so, so much._

_\- Daehyun_

Daehyun folded the note and placed it on the kitchen table. He stared at the bedroom door, knowing Himchan was still asleep. He walked up to the door, his hand resting on the knob. He could take that note, rip it up, throw it down the sink, and crawl back into bed with Himchan.

But there was no use in trying to piece back together what’d been falling apart.

Daehyun took a step back, steeling himself, and turned around. 

When he slid the front door closed behind him, he felt like he was going to fall through the floor with the weight of his guilt.

//

Daehyun feels his heart sink all the way to the bottom of his stomach. Maybe, in some twisted form of hope, he thought Himchan was here to… He doesn’t know why Himchan would be here, but he wasn’t expecting a _goodbye_.

“It’s kinda too late now, though, isn’t it?” Himchan says. His voice is soft and unsure and so unlike him, and Daehyun quickly pushes away the tears. “I think we’ve changed too much for goodbyes.”

When Daehyun finally finds his voice, it’s shaky and lower than a whisper. “What?”

“Reintroductions.” Himchan holds his hand out towards Daehyun. “Kim Himchan.”

And Daehyun laughs, a bit more like a choking sound that stumbles out of his mouth, as he takes Himchan’s hand in his. It’s warm and comforting, just how Daehyun remembers it. “Jung Daehyun.”

Himchan’s smile widens. “It’s nice to meet you, Daehyun. I’m in Seoul all week. Would you like to go out for dinner sometime?”

//

Daehyun didn’t remember the first time he saw Himchan. They walked right past each other mid-morning, their gazes brushing. For a heart-stopping moment, Daehyun was completely swept by Himchan’s presence.

The second time they met, Daehyun walked into Himchan’s Korean fusion restaurant because as much as he loved the food he ate while backpacking Europe, he craved a taste of home every once in a while. 

Daehyun fell in love with Himchan like he was drowning, struggling to breathe and completely engulfed by Himchan’s presence. 

But Daehyun held out for as long as he could. 

Daehyun was supposed to stay in London for a month before moving on to Paris, but he kept going back to the restaurant. He kept finding himself back in the little hole-in-the-wall restaurant that smelled like the spices his mom used.

“What’s your name?” Daehyun asks suddenly after Himchan places a glass of water on the table.

Himchan has a smile on his face, not the friendly one reserved for the rest of the customers, but a genuine one, and Daehyun can almost see the mischievous glint in Himchan’s eyes. He slides into the chair across from Daehyun in one fluid motion, putting his elbow on the table and his chin in his palm. 

“Himchan. What’s yours?”

“Daehyun.”

“Daehyun,” Himchan repeats.

Daehyun decides he likes the way his name sounds coming out of Himchan’s mouth. ”It’s nice to meet you, Himchan. I’m in London for the rest of the week. Would you like to go out for dinner sometime?”

//

“So, I know this place that makes really good food,” Daehyun says as people begin filing out of the exhibit. “You don’t mind, right?”

“I haven’t been here since I was a kid,” Himchan replies with a laugh. “I don’t remember much, let alone good restaurants.”

Daehyun locks up the exhibit. He can feel Himchan’s eyes on his back. His fingers tremble. He doesn’t know why he’s so nervous. When he finally manages to get the key out of the lock, he spins around to find Himchan grinning at him.

‘What’s the grin for?” Daehyun asks, still uneasy. How else is he supposed to feel? What is he supposed to do in a situation like this?

“I missed you,” Himchan says. He takes a step towards Daehyun and takes his hand, warm and smooth, but lined with healing callouses.

Just like Daehyun remembers.

Daehyun leans into Himchan like it’s natural. Snapshots of candid grins and rosy sunrises aren’t enough to express just how much Daehyun missed this.

“Me too,” Daehyun whispers into the crook of Himchan’s shoulder. 

//

Daehyun knew that thinking of someone else when he kissed Himchan was wrong, but he couldn’t help it. Himchan was new and unfamiliar territory, but Youngjae felt like _home_. 

Youngjae was the North Star in a sea of twinkling lights. Endless desert. Dusty wind through Daehyun’s hair on summer nights. 

Himchan was an ocean, revitalizing and all-encompassing, and Daehyun didn’t know how to swim. But he learned how to float on his back, soaking up the warmth from the sun.

Daehyun learned how to differentiate Himchan from Youngjae, and that scared Daehyun. He didn’t want to forget Youngjae as much as he wanted to love Himchan. When he felt himself getting too familiar with Himchan, he pushed himself away, keeping himself just out of arm’s reach.

Daehyun saw how it hurt Himchan.

He couldn’t bring himself to stop once he started.

He didn’t like the feeling of drowning.

//

They’re somewhere between tipsy and drunk, tip toeing carefully along the line. There’s something about the early morning hours that make them spill the truth and press soft lips against heated skin. 

Hands fumble to remove clothes in the dark.

Gasps slip past open mouths and dissipate into the air like cigarette smoke.

Daehyun won’t admit it out loud, but he missed holding Himchan in his arms. 

Daehyun feels many things. He feels his toes curl when Himchan’s hands grip his hips, fingernails digging into heated skin. He feels his back arch into Himchan, throwing his arms around Himchan’s neck to bring them impossibly closer.

Himchan feels Daehyun’s breaths against his neck. He feels Daehyun press kisses against his shoulder, his chest, his stomach, his thighs. He feels––

Daehyun is suddenly twenty again, stumbling and lost and seeking any form of guidance. He falls into Himchan, finally letting himself drown.

//

When Himchan lays beside Daehyun, his skin a pale glowing expanse in the streetlights flooding in through the window, he realizes that they’ve become too dependent on each other. He wonders when it got this far. He wonders if it’s even healthy for them. He wonders just what kind of relationship they’ve formed. Daehyun turns his head to look at Himchan’s face. His face is softer somehow, blurred by the creeping shadows behind him. His chest rises and falls with long pauses in between.

“We can’t do this again,” Himchan whispers.

Daehyun is relieved that Himchan’s is thinking the same thing.

Their relationship ignited like throwing gasoline on a fire, but they were like a firework. Vibrant, explosive, ephemeral. When they were together, they didn’t know self-control. They didn’t know how to stop once they started. Maybe the problem was that they still don’t know.

But Daehyun doesn’t know how to say all that, so he holds Himchan in his arms and whispers back “Let’s figure that out tomorrow morning.”

Himchan hums in response, the sound vibrating through Daehyun’s core.

They burned too bright and too hot. They shouldn’t be surprised that they got burned in the process, but they’ll let the familiar warmth seep into their skin for now.

//

When Daehyun wakes up the next morning, he finds the other side of his bed cold and a note on the bedside table.

Daehyun sits up, wondering if Himchan felt the same emptiness.

**Author's Note:**

> ok so. long story short, i tried a thing on aff, but i didn't really like how i was writing it, so i tried something else and it ended up becoming this.
> 
> tbh i'm still not sure if i even like this, but i've been needing to get this damn au out of my head and i had to get it all out somehow


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